The 15.35 from Waterloo to Poole

trainSitting in the so-called ‘quiet zone’, being terribly intellectual (in between bouts of Sudoko), reading Lawrence Durrell’s Caesar’s Great Ghost, and waking only to hear the following announcements:

 

  1. ‘This train will divide at Southampton. If you’re going to Bournemouth, Poole or Weymouth, you should be in the first five carriages. If you don’t know which part of the train you’re in, the first five carriages are at the front of the train. The front of the train is the part of the train that was furthest away from you when you came through the barrier’.
  2. ‘If you’re going to New Milton or Christchurch, you should be in one of the rear five carriages. If you don’t know which part of the train you’re in, the rear five carriages are those furthest away from the front of the train. The rear five carriages were nearest to you when you came through the barrier’.
  3. ‘If you still don’t know which part of the train you’re in, there is a sign in the middle of your carriage which tells you which number you are in from a possible ten.’
  4. Ditto number one.
  5. Ditto number two.
  6. ‘If any passenger who came aboard successfully at Waterloo has lost a doll, I have it. The doll has long yellow hair and a pink and yellow dress and is now in carriage number four of a possible ten. Carriage number four is in the first five carriages of this train.’
  7. ‘The first five carriages of this train are going to Bournemouth, Poole and Weymouth.’
  8. ‘ We are now approaching Southampton where the train will divide. If you’re going to Weymouth, you need to be in the first five carriages which are at the front of the train. If you’re not in the first five carriages, you’ve still got time to walk through the train.’
  9. ‘On arrival at Southampton, if you discover that you’re in the wrong part of the train, you’ll have to get off the train and either walk up or down the platform depending on which part of the train you think you should be in.’
  10. ‘Someone has clearly moved forward and left their luggage on the rack in carriage number five. Carriage number five is still with us but the luggage has now been moved to carriage number four.’
  11. ‘Hot drinks are no longer available on the trolley.’
  12. ‘You have reached your destination.’
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2 thoughts on “The 15.35 from Waterloo to Poole

  1. So funny…..do you think the guard is happy in his job? Some of them say nothing and some constantly come up with stuff like this…having got through Wareham once on the way to Wool, the guard went on about disappearing into darkest Dorset in the land that time forgot. I thought he was pissed…especially when he said that if anyone missed the stop they would have to go to Dorchester, get off and ask for help to get back on the up line to try again. He made it sound like we had to fling ourselves off the train and hope for a soft landing!

    Sent from my iPad

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